Growing Pains...

When I was younger, I never wanted to grow up. Don't get me wrong, I was okay with getting older, and gaining some of the more exciting responsibilities that came with that, like getting to go out with my friends without parental supervision, dating, things like that. But when I was younger, even into high school, I remember being terrified of getting older. The thought of having to leave my parents' house and live on my own somewhere was the scariest thing in the world to me. Whenever I would even think of that time, years down the road, when I would be expected to live on my own, without my parents to feed me and put a roof over my head, my heart would start to pound and I would get nervous. I just could not foresee a time when I would ever be ready for that, and capable of supporting myself in all the ways that grown-ups have to.

The funny thing about growing up, though, is that it happens so gradually that it makes even those terrifying moments, like leaving home for the first time, feel not as scary once they actually come around. Sure, when I went away to college it was pretty scary. Granted, I stayed close to home and knew my parents were only a short drive away if I needed them, but that first night in the dorm by myself was hard. I remember just sitting on my bed in the tiny little dorm room right after my parents left, wondering what to do with myself. How was I going to sleep here? How was I going to wake up here and do all of those every day things away from home? This wasn't home. I was extremely homesick that night, but yet somehow, I survived. Not only that night, but the next, and the next, and the next...I adjusted to life outside the home I had lived in for 20 years, and it ended up being easier than I thought it would be. I was capable of being independent, of getting where I needed to be and surviving my day without my family nearby.

The funny thing is, the younger me, the one that was so reluctant to grow up and move out, really didn't even know what things I should be afraid of. Now that I am a grown adult (even if I don't actually feel like one), living on my own, paying rent and bills and working full time to be able to pay that rent and those bills, I realize how hard it really is. I had every right to be scared of this day when I was younger. But when I was younger I had no idea what adult life would actually entail, aside from moving out. There are so many responsibilities that we have as adults, and I don't know that we're ever fully prepared for them. There is so much that goes into being a responsible adult, and dammit, it's hard. Looking back, I wish I could sometimes relive my younger years, free of any real responsibility. But at the same time, there are freedoms that being an adult brings that are worth it. Parts of growing up are fun, even if they bring with them some stress along the way.

The funny thing is, even though I am now 27(!) I still don't really feel like a mature adult. I wonder if this is the case with everyone? I mean, I have my own place, I'm married, I have a full-time job...those are all adult things. Things that should make me feel like I'm really grown up. And yet...I don't. Maybe it's because I feel like there is still so much I want to do, like go back to school. And thinking about how old I am now makes me feel like time is running out, even if it really isn't. Maybe it's also the idea that I have in my head that being an adult means you have to take things more seriously, or enjoy certain things less. But I still like to have fun, I still love my music, and I still tend to be extremely silly sometimes. And I don't ever want to let those parts of me go. I wonder, though, when will I be old enough to feel like I'm grown up? Because a part of me wonders if I will always feel like I'm younger than my age. Even though I am technically a grown-up, I still go to my parents all the time for things I have questions about, or if I've had a bad day. And granted, they're not the only people I go to for these things, but I always feel like they'll have the answer for me. They have since I was a kid after all.

I know by now this post has gotten pretty long, and I've rambled through a lot of it. But this is something I've dwelled on a lot recently. Maybe because I'm married now, and maybe because I've just started a new job. I don't know what the reason is. It is strange to think about the younger version of me, though, who was so terrified of being in the place that the grown-up me is right now. And if I had the chance to go back and talk to that younger version of myself, what would I tell her? Yeah, some parts of growing up are scary. But don't worry, it's not all bad, and you never really feel all that grown up after all anyway.