I think I may have written about this before, but do you ever find yourself in the middle of a couple of days where you just feel kind of blah? I've been like that the last couple, and I always hate this feeling. It seems to come out of nowhere, and it has me doubting myself and things in my life.
Today, it feels the same and different than in the past. The same because I remember the feeling, and know it always manages to pass. Different, because my life in general feels on the cusp right now. I'm in this place where I know I'm about to head in a different direction and I really don't know how it's going to go.
It's different today too, because on top of the general feeling of malaise (by the way, I just looked up the definition of malaise? It pretty much is EXACTLY the blah feeling I described: "a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify" Why does such a cool-sounding word represent something so crappy and uncomfortable?), there's guilt, too. And just discomfort in general. Yesterday, instead of spending the day with two of my best friends, our plans fell through and part of the day ended up being really crappy. And when the super crappy part of the day hit, for a few minutes, I felt like I didn't really have anyone I could talk to about it, for a number of reasons. And it was a crappy, scary feeling.
My life has changed a lot in the last year. It's about to change even more. Everything that's happened has made me learn a lot about myself. And sometimes doubt myself. There's a lot I've lost, but it's also made me realize how much I have. I have a great support system of friends and family, and amazing coworkers. But on days like today (that damn malaise firmly set in), it all feels so precarious. What if I say the wrong thing and push someone important away without realizing it? What if, on the flip side, I'm too NEEDY and push someone away because that's weird. And then, because I'm me, when I feel weird or uncertain or in need of reassurance, I don't shut up. I want to keep some thread of connection.
Which is why I'm here I guess. Writing emo blogs is cheaper than therapy? I know the malaise will pass, and the doubts and fears that are so present right now will fade. Not that they won't resurface again, but they'll take their place in the background until the next "blah" few days roll around. There doesn't seem to be any magic cure for days like these, and tomorrow I could wake up and everything will look and feel different than it does today. But today, nothing was on TV, and I couldn't focus on my book, and my mind swims with regrets and wishes. Which brought me here, to write about it. And (probably against my better judgment) share it.
I'm sure the cloud will lift soon, and I'll look at this post and wonder why I felt the need to be so publicly whiny. But for now, here this is. And hopefully between this and cuddles with this adorable face....
I can start to feel like things are back on track. Hopefully I'll be back soon, with a sunnier post.
