Goodbye 2012

New Year's Eve. The time of year when everyone sits back and reflects on the year behind them and the year they have coming up. Each year comes with its own mix of good and bad, and many hope to start out fresh with new resolutions and vows to make the upcoming year somehow better than the last. 

I've never been good with New Year's resolutions. Which is why this year, I'm not going to bother making any. There are certainly things in my life that I hope to improve, but I know myself better than to think that somehow forming a list of these goals and stating them here, in my head, or out loud to another person is going to help me keep them. Change only comes when we want it to, and when we get to a point when we know it must come. Are there changes that I need to make in my life this year? Probably. And I'll be heading into the new year fresh, hoping to sort certain parts of my life that feel especially chaotic. But I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment this year by telling you the list of things I KNOW I will focus on this year. Because in all likelihood, I will not be as dedicated as I would hope to be. 

The other problem with new year's resolutions is that, at least for me, sometimes it means saying that I will change things that I really don't need to change. For instance, I'm a homebody at heart. I enjoy a night on the couch with a good book or a great TV show to just about any other option out there. And while this makes me feel at times like I should make more of an effort to DO things, I don't know that it's something I really need to change about myself. I still keep in touch with friends, go out to dinner, and leave my house quite often. In fact, if you talk to Patrick, he'd tell you I'm not home enough. So why should I resolve to change something I'm not really unhappy with in the first place? 

The thing is, while there are some ways in which I disappoint myself and know I should try harder, overall I'm happy with my life. Yeah, more money would be great. A vacation that does not consist of me just sitting at home in Schaumburg would also be a plus. But I'm happily married, have a wonderful and supportive family, and a few close friends who mean the world to me. I'm employed, going to school for something I really enjoy, and despite the chaos that two jobs, grad school, and life in general can bring I still find time for my books and my tv. 

Do I write as much as I should? Absolutely not. It's the one thing I feel the most guilty about. I sit here, wanting to consider myself a "writer" and yet never writing. That is the one thing I have vowed to myself to change this year. Thanks to some gifts from friends and my own frustration with myself, I WILL write a book this year. I already have people holding me accountable for that, and I doubt they will fail me. I'm done making excuses for myself in that arena, and so by 2014 I will have a novel. I might not want to let most people READ it, but I will have accomplished this. 

In terms of reflection for 2012, it's definitely brought change, and 2013 will bring more. Recently I've realized that there are some people in my life I just wish I saw more of. Or people that I'm so proud of and feel like I haven't gotten to express that to them. I often fear that the people who mean the most to me don't even know what they mean to me, because I don't talk to them often enough or because peripheral drama takes away from my being able to show them how much I care. So maybe I'll be more vocal about those things in 2013, regardless of the risk of being the token cheeseball in any gathering. 

So goodbye 2012, and welcome 2013 with all the changes, highs, and lows that it will bring. Here's to more writing, less excuses, and more love in the coming year.