Procrastination Evaluation

I haven't written in awhile, even though I've wanted to. Lately I've been going through one of those phases where, at least a few times a day, I want to write. I feel that creative streak threatening to burst out of me while I'm driving, while I'm in the middle of a project at work, while I'm in the middle of doing something that does not allow me to be in front of a computer putting words on a page. And then when I do get home and have the time to record some of those words threatening to burst out of me, they decide not to burst anymore and my lazy ass watches TV instead. It's a problem, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

Case in point: I recently joined HitRecord.org the other day with the intention of actually starting to contribute to it, rather than just browse through all the incredibly creative things that people on there are creating. And while Patrick would tell you that my only reason for joining is my Joseph Gordon-Levitt obsession, that's not the full truth. Sure, I may have been led there initially because I had seen him talking about the site, and I've bought a couple of books from there to see what kind of things have come out of it. But the real reason I joined is that it's the kind of creative community I would like to be a part of. I noticed while browsing through the other day that a few weeks ago they started a free-write kind of exercise, and every week the theme of the 10-minute free write changes. I had seen this while at work, and obviously couldn't participate while working, so all day I thought about the word they had chosen for the week, and what I could think of to write about it. You may think this is cheating, since it's a free-write, and the whole idea is NOT to think too much about it. It didn't matter that I had the greatest first line to start out the exercise anyway, because by the time I was home with my laptop opened in front of me, the cursor blinking against the white screen, I couldn't remember any of it anyway. That great line I had had? Gone. And in it's place, there was blankness and then a few minutes of me writing something I never expected to write. Which is okay in its own right, I suppose. But it's a great illustration of my problem. My great ideas, had throughout the day when I can't be writing, are gone the minute I sit down to write.

I know I'm not the greatest writer in the world, and that I have a long way to go if I ever hope to make anything of my writing. For one, I need to be a bit more proactive, and find less excuses to do anything else. I almost think my procrastination stems, at least in part, from this idea that my efforts are never going to lead to anything anyway so why really take the time to foster these ideas. And I know, no risk, no reward, so taking a risk and making the effort has to come first. I know there are no guarantees in life, but honestly, that's starting to piss me off. I work my ass off every day to try and make mine and Patrick's lives better, and most of the time I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I don't know that I'll ever get close to any of my "dream" jobs one day, and most of the time I'm so busy trying to keep up with the job(s) I have, I don't have time to worry about it anyway.

This has gotten a little off-topic. If there was ever a topic in the first place. I guess the point is that I know I need to just shut up and write. Whether it's here, the novel that I've started and may never finish, on HitRecord...whatever. I just need to write, right? No risk, no reward. So, maybe I'll post this and try taking another risk, rather than getting sucked into a Project Runway marathon...