"If this is where we ended up then I refuse to be so hard on myself this time"

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. I have been in a relationship with the same person for just over 3 years now. We've been through a hell of a lot together and it hasn't always been easy, but we're happy. Things are comfortable, and we're comfortable with each other and overall life is good. I really can't complain.

I've never dated much. I can count on less than one hand the number of serious boyfriends I have had over the years. But at the same time, I think I am rare in that, after the relationship has ended, I have kept friendships with my exes. That didn't happen right away, of course. There's always that awkward, post-breakup situation, where you don't know what to say to each other and realize there really isn't anything that you can or should say anyway. But after time passed, I was able to stay good friends with them. Now, time has passed, and the men that were important in my life are in serious relationships with other people, just like I am. And even though my relationships with those men are in the past, I can't keep myself from wondering "What would my life be like if I stayed with him instead."

Don't get me wrong...I am completely happy in the relationship that I am in. I just can't help but wonder how my life would be different if I had taken a different path. Thinking about it, if certain things had happened just a little bit differently, or at slightly different times in my life I might have taken completely different turns. If I hadn't been dating one person at one point, there is a very good chance I would have started dating someone else. If I hadn't met Patrick when I did, would I have pursued someone else instead? Ended up with an ex? Been single for a longer while and then found someone completely different?

I look at pictures of my exes with their new girlfriends and wonder what their lives are like. I hope they're happy together, that the girls treat the guys they way they deserve to be treated. And I know this is probably a very rare thought process for anyone to have about an ex. I know my boyfriend has completely cut off contact with all his exes--it would be unheard of for him to keep in touch with them. So maybe I am crazy--and it's not like I talk to them all the time or anything like that--but it just seems better to have those people still in my life than to cut them out of it. After all, they knew me at different times. They knew different parts of me, and saw me at different points of my life and they'll always be important because of that.

I realize this post is most likely all over the place. I should really write something more meaningful and coherent. I promise one of these days that will happen...I just felt like I needed to put some of my thoughts into print :)