As a child, I remember being terrified of being an adult. I'd remember talking with friends or other kids at school about the day that we would, eventually, be bigger! More grown up! We'd have freedom, and wouldn't have to follow our parents rules anymore!
While some of that did sound appealing on some level (especially if parents were really cramping our style at the time), and though I did go along with these conversations ("Oh yeah, it will be SO AWESOME living on my own when I grow up!"), deep down I actually wanted no part of it. The idea of NOT living with my parents was so scary. How would I do things?! There's no WAY I could live on my own -- feed myself? Take care of myself? No thanks. I'll continue to talk a good game, but I have it fine right where I am....
And then, one day...I was moving into my dorm at college. It was only an hour away from home, but for the first time in my life I was actually NOT living at home. I remember staying there that first night, terrified of adulthood all over again, wondering how this was going to be. How would I get along with my roommates? Again...how was I even going to feed myself?! At this point in my life, I had spent plenty of nights away from home, visiting friends at school, spending weekend with my boyfriend in his dorm room. I was enjoying the independence that adulthood offered, but there was still a comfort in waking up in my childhood bedroom on weekends, flipping through TV channels until I decided it was time to get up and maybe talk to my family. And, being an adult myself now, I had the freedom to pretty much come and go as I pleased, which was something my teenage self hadn't necessarily been granted.
I handled dorm living well enough. The setup of my dorm was perfect for an introverted, selectively social type like myself. I was in a suite with 3 other girls. We shared a kitchen and living space, but each had our own rooms, and two bathrooms to share between the 4 of us. I realize this is not the typical living situation for most people who go away to school, but I also don't know that I would have ever lived in a dorm if it hadn't been a dorm like the one I was lucky enough to stay in. I loved having my own room, and when I wasn't in classes or with friends, I was pretty much in there. I still have really fond memories of waking up in that little room and watching Ed or Adult Swim either early in the morning or late at night before I went to bed. Spending endless hours on AIM, and scouring the itunes playlists of my fellow University Center cohorts (the ones who left their playlists public anyway). I'll never forget the day I was on the Hanson message boards, chatting about the band, and discovered that another die hard fan literally lived, like, a floor above me. She and I are still friends today, and that chance chat online led us to see concerts together, travel to Tulsa to experience Hanson Day together, and just hang out and share music and life in Chicago.
So, yeah, I realized I could live on my own, but actually doing it was the start of actually, really, and truly becoming an adult. And you know what I've learned? It's not really all that it's cracked up to be. I was right to be scared of adulthood. The thing is, as a kid I never could have anticipated the things I should really have been scared of. Feeding myself really isn't that big a deal (most of the time, at least). It's everything else -- bills, and work, and....life. I think about all of the things my friends, co-workers and family members deal with daily, ranging from the really exciting and life-changing (marriage, the births of new babies, exciting new job opportunities) to the really tough, but no less life-changing (divorce, depression, unemployment, illness). Life is tough, and it doesn't seem to get any less tough the longer you live it.
Another thing I've realized as I've grown into adulthood, is I never actually feel any more like an actual adult. Even though there's really no denying I am one anymore. I kind of still feel like a 16-year-old at heart, and sometimes it really amazes me that people allow me to be in charge of things now! What are they thinking?! The biggest difference between me now and high school me is probably the fact that living life has taken away that sense of invincibility they always talk about teenagers having. At 16 the entire world is in front of you, the possibilities are endless, and nothing will stop you. By 30, that perspective has changed. There's still plenty of the world in front of you, sure, but reality has reigned you in a bit. Experiencing life has taken away that sense of invincibility you once felt. You realize everyone is vulnerable, and life can be really hard, and you were right to be afraid of it as a child (if you were like me at least).
It's not all bad though. The joys in life are really amazing. Celebrating huge milestones with family and friends, like marriages and new babies being born is so amazing and exciting. Even after the longest, worst day, I come home and see Cassie, and forget about it all for at least a few minutes. Even the obstacles life has thrown my way have their good sides -- you realize who the people in your life you can count on are. You learn to love harder, trust better, and lean on the people who really matter. And how to be there when they need to lean on you. Sure, making friends as an adult is harder, but the friends you keep and the ones you make seem to matter more.
So is life hard? Hell yes. But I think about where I am, and overall, I'm doing alright. I've learned things will never be perfect, and to think they will be or can be is to set yourself up for failure and disappointment. But I have an amazing family, great friends, and a job I really, really love. The rest will fall into place. And until it does? The teenager in me has some shows to binge-watch to keep me busy :)
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