Growing Up Is Hard to Do

As a child, I remember being terrified of being an adult. I'd remember talking with friends or other kids at school about the day that we would, eventually, be bigger! More grown up! We'd have freedom, and wouldn't have to follow our parents rules anymore!

While some of that did sound appealing on some level (especially if parents were really cramping our style at the time), and though I did go along with these conversations ("Oh yeah, it will be SO AWESOME living on my own when I grow up!"), deep down  I actually wanted no part of it. The idea of NOT living with my parents was so scary. How would I do things?! There's no WAY I could live on my own -- feed myself? Take care of myself? No thanks. I'll continue to talk a good game, but I have it fine right where I am....

And then, one day...I was moving into my dorm at college. It was only an hour away from home, but for the first time in my life I was actually NOT living at home. I remember staying there that first night, terrified of adulthood all over again, wondering how this was going to be. How would I get along with my roommates? Again...how was I even going to feed myself?! At this point in my life, I had spent plenty of nights away from home, visiting friends at school, spending weekend with my boyfriend in his dorm room. I was enjoying the independence that adulthood offered, but there was still a comfort in waking up in my childhood bedroom on weekends, flipping through TV channels until I decided it was time to get up and maybe talk to my family. And, being an adult myself now, I had the freedom to pretty much come and go as I pleased, which was something my teenage self hadn't necessarily been granted.

I handled dorm living well enough. The setup of my dorm was perfect for an introverted, selectively social type like myself. I was in a suite with 3 other girls. We shared a kitchen and living space, but each had our own rooms, and two bathrooms to share between the 4 of us. I realize this is not the typical living situation for most people who go away to school, but I also don't know that I would have ever lived in a dorm if it hadn't been a dorm like the one I was lucky enough to stay in. I loved having my own room, and when I wasn't in classes or with friends, I was pretty much in there. I still have really fond memories of waking up in that little room and watching Ed or Adult Swim either early in the morning or late at night before I went to bed. Spending endless hours on AIM, and scouring the itunes playlists of my fellow University Center cohorts (the ones who left their playlists public anyway). I'll never forget the day I was on the Hanson message boards, chatting about the band, and discovered that another die hard fan literally lived, like, a floor above me. She and I are still friends today, and that chance chat online led us to see concerts together, travel to Tulsa to experience Hanson Day together, and just hang out and share music and life in Chicago.

So, yeah, I realized I could live on my own, but actually doing it was the start of actually, really, and truly becoming an adult. And you know what I've learned? It's not really all that it's cracked up to be. I was right to be scared of adulthood. The thing is, as a kid I never could have anticipated the things I should really have been scared of. Feeding myself really isn't that big a deal (most of the time, at least). It's everything else -- bills, and work, and....life. I think about all of the things my friends, co-workers and family members deal with daily, ranging from the really exciting and life-changing (marriage, the births of new babies, exciting new job opportunities) to the really tough, but no less life-changing (divorce, depression, unemployment, illness). Life is tough, and it doesn't seem to get any less tough the longer you live it.

Another thing I've realized as I've grown into adulthood, is I never actually feel any more like an actual adult. Even though there's really no denying I am one anymore. I kind of still feel like a 16-year-old at heart, and sometimes it really amazes me that people allow me to be in charge of things now! What are they thinking?! The biggest difference between me now and high school me is probably the fact that living life has taken away that sense of invincibility they always talk about teenagers having. At 16 the entire world is in front of you, the possibilities are endless, and nothing will stop you. By 30, that perspective has changed. There's still plenty of the world in front of you, sure, but reality has reigned you in a bit. Experiencing life has taken away that sense of invincibility you once felt. You realize everyone is vulnerable, and life can be really hard, and you were right to be afraid of it as a child (if you were like me at least).

It's not all bad though. The joys in life are really amazing. Celebrating huge milestones with family and friends, like marriages and new babies being born is so amazing and exciting. Even after the longest, worst day, I come home and see Cassie, and forget about it all for at least a few minutes. Even the obstacles life has thrown my way have their good sides -- you realize who the people in your life you can count on are. You learn to love harder, trust better, and lean on the people who really matter. And how to be there when they need to lean on you. Sure, making friends as an adult is harder, but the friends you keep and the ones you make seem to matter more.

So is life hard? Hell yes. But I think about where I am, and overall, I'm doing alright. I've learned things will never be perfect, and to think they will be or can be is to set yourself up for failure and disappointment. But I have an amazing family, great friends, and a job I really, really love. The rest will fall into place. And until it does? The teenager in me has some shows to binge-watch to keep me busy :)

"Fame is a fickle food upon a shifting plate" - Emily Dickinson

I'm baaaaaack. Only about a year or so after my last post, during which I'm sure I promised to make more of an effort to make an appearance here. Fail, again. Shocking, surely.

It's been quite a year since last January, that's for sure -- though I'm not going to talk about that. I'm actually writing today thanks to a couple of interactions with co-workers -- one current, and one former. The first was a conversation at work last week, that stemmed from quite a strong reaction on my part to Zayn Malik's comments about having wanted to leave One Direction essentially from the start. Anyone who knows me at all knows I can be vehement about my convictions particularly when they come to my opinions regarding pop culture, and the topic of Zayn's talking shit about the entire reason he's famous was no exception. A co-worker commented on my strong feelings about pop culture, and how I should share them. 

Another former co-worker suggested, via a comment on my Goodreads page, that I should start a blog to talk about what I'm reading, since I'm not exactly shy about my thoughts about books either :)

While I do find it hard to think that anyone else really cares what I have to say about either of these topics, it doesn't actually stop me from talking about them all of the time. When it comes down to it, I lead a pretty boring life overall, but I really do love my music, movies, TV, and books. There's not much I know, but pop culture is one of the things I really enjoy, and I'm okay with embracing all thing pop culture in my life. There's nothing more exciting to me than getting to discuss a favorite TV show or the latest great book I read with a friend or co-worker. So I figured, what the hell....maybe I'll try to blog about some pop culture stuff I've immersed myself in lately. 

Thinking of something to write about is tough, because I'm kind of all over the place with what I read and watch at any given time. I'm usually reading two books at any given time (one physical, one audiobook), and my TV watching is all over the place. There's not usually a rhyme or reason to what I'm consuming at any certain period of time. 

That being said, as I finished Tyler Oakleys book Binge today, it dawned on me that I've been reading/watching a lot of stuff lately about real people, particularly those in the limelight (because why would I bother otherwise?). And one recurring theme in all of those things I've watched is this, pretty much: Fame can and pretty much does suck. Like, a lot. 

I mean, I totally get that for a famous person to whine about being famous kind of makes them seem ungrateful (the same thing that I just bashed Mr. Malik for earlier in this post). But I'm not talking about celebrities ungrateful for their fame. And it hasn't struck me as whining. Some of the stuff I've been watching in particular isn't even coming from the celebrity's viewpoint - it's an outsider's view of the effects fame had on them. 

This first hit me a few weeks ago, after watching Love & Mercy, followed by the documentary Amy the very next day. They were both really good, engrossing things to watch, but left me feeling really sad. In the cases of both Brian Wilson and Amy Winehouse, fame brought them a lot of trouble, particularly in terms of the people who surrounded them and were there to "protect" them. Their intense fame led to isolation, which ultimately led to people in close proximity to them who took advantage of that isolation and need for protection from the outside world, and only led the to further trouble. Brian Wilson's story was so heartbreaking (at least as portrayed in the movie, which I realize probably isn't 100% accurate), because he really trusted the doctor who was "caring" for him, and who clearly didn't have Wilson's best interests at heart.

Winehouse's story was even more heartbreaking, since you could watch the trajectory from a girl who just loved to sing, to having fame thrust on her so suddenly and at such a young age, to spiraling into the depths of addiction. What was especially awful in her case was the fact that her own damn father didn't have her best interests at heart -- he knew she was his own ticket to fame and notoriety and he took full advantage. It wasn't enough that the entire world wanted something from her, even at the moments when she truly seemed to want to get better, he just wanted to get famous and benefit from his daughter's fame. 

Then you have stars who are famous on a slightly lower level than Wilson or Winehouse, like Tyler Oakley and Felicia Day, whose fame stems mostly from their work on the internet, which both of their books (Binge and You're Never Weird on the Internet (Almost), respectively) address. Online fame is a strange and new kind of fame in the present day, since the internet itself hasn't really been around all that long, and the rise of social media is even more recent. YouTube (and other internet) fame is an even more relatable kind than that of famous actors or singers, because when you watch a YouTube star, you really do think "hey, that could be me." I mean, Hannah Hart is famous for her videos of literally "cooking" largely inedible dishes while drinking. It's such a simple concept, and it's really hilarious. 

What makes internet stars even cooler, I think, is that they have a platform that allows them to make a real difference when they want to. What Tyler Oakley and Hannah Hart have done for the LGBTQ community, and Felicia Day's contribution to and embracing of nerd culture, is remarkable. These people represent everyone, and allow viewers to really feel like they're not alone -- they're heard, and these stars represent them, in a way that the worldwide humanity efforts of big stars like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't. I mean, honestly, all you have to do to see the power of fame used for good, particularly on the internet, is follow John and Hank Green. Every year, they host the Project for Awesome, which raises silly amounts of money for charity and really seems to make a difference in the world. 

Anyway...I've gotten a little off track. The point is, this internet fame is a new brand, but doesn't seem to be without it's pitfalls. Oakley and Day both address the insanely hard work that led to the fame they ultimately received, but never totally expected. They both address the way this made them feel like they were burning the candle at both ends, losing sight of themselves in the midst of their fame. I think a unique thing about becoming famous through YouTube videos is that you are your persona, but you also aren't. YouTube personas are carefully crafted, and marketed with intention. Yes, Tyler Oakley is being Tyler Oakley in his videos. But that's not all of who he is, or a true picture of who he is. It's a weird kind of fame, and one that seems to make those experiencing it feel guilty for not wanting all of that attention at a certain point. After all, those fans who watch your videos and support you are the reason you have that attention, and the exciting new opportunities in front of you (like, in Tyler's case, interviewing One Direction!). How do you say you need to take a step back and take care of yourself for a few minutes? Luckily, Oakley and Day both experienced dark days and seem to have come out on the other side -- for now, at least. 

Another thing that came up in Binge was Tyler Oakley's love of and relationship to One Direction turning sour very suddenly, on the basis of a tweet. His response to a tweet by Liam Payne suddenly turned him into an enemy of the band as far as the fans were concerned, and ultimately led him to feeling the need to flee the internet for a few days, as tags like #WeWantTylerOakleyDead began trending worldwide. Day describes a similar experience in her book, addressing the dark side of the internet when they don't agree with you, and mob mentality takes over. As wonderful as the internet is, it's also a really scary place when the flood of praise turns to hatred suddenly and unexpectedly. 

Does the vitriol die down? Sure, eventually....but I can't imagine feeling like the entire world suddenly hates me. And honestly, at some point, they're going to -- we're all human, and as humans we have feelings and opinions, and if we share them, at some point someone is going to disagree. We'll say something that offends someone else, or is politically incorrect, or simply misspeak. The difference is, if you're famous -- those words travel around the world at lightning speed, and suddenly a statement or apology is expected. Which infuriates me, but....is a topic for another post. 

So, yeah -- the stuff I've been reading and watching has made me think a lot about fame, it's rise, and it's unexpected pitfalls. Thanks to the media frenzy that follows celebrities, there's no peace to be had by them, and it's honestly kind of amazing that any of them survive to be half-normal and keep plugging on like functional members of society. I mean, at the end of the day, celebrities are just normal people, really. Who have lost the ability to live a normal life, by virtue of the job they've chosen. Does it make me examine my own relationship with the celebrity stuff I indulge in? Yeah, to some extent. It makes me more conscious of what I say about celebrities -- particularly on the internet -- no matter how much I dislike certain ones. I wouldn't want to read some of the things about myself that I read about celebrities. No human deserves some of those comments. But thank goodness we have people like Jimmy Kimmel to find a way to make us laugh in the face of the worst of humanity.