Goodbye 2012

New Year's Eve. The time of year when everyone sits back and reflects on the year behind them and the year they have coming up. Each year comes with its own mix of good and bad, and many hope to start out fresh with new resolutions and vows to make the upcoming year somehow better than the last. 

I've never been good with New Year's resolutions. Which is why this year, I'm not going to bother making any. There are certainly things in my life that I hope to improve, but I know myself better than to think that somehow forming a list of these goals and stating them here, in my head, or out loud to another person is going to help me keep them. Change only comes when we want it to, and when we get to a point when we know it must come. Are there changes that I need to make in my life this year? Probably. And I'll be heading into the new year fresh, hoping to sort certain parts of my life that feel especially chaotic. But I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment this year by telling you the list of things I KNOW I will focus on this year. Because in all likelihood, I will not be as dedicated as I would hope to be. 

The other problem with new year's resolutions is that, at least for me, sometimes it means saying that I will change things that I really don't need to change. For instance, I'm a homebody at heart. I enjoy a night on the couch with a good book or a great TV show to just about any other option out there. And while this makes me feel at times like I should make more of an effort to DO things, I don't know that it's something I really need to change about myself. I still keep in touch with friends, go out to dinner, and leave my house quite often. In fact, if you talk to Patrick, he'd tell you I'm not home enough. So why should I resolve to change something I'm not really unhappy with in the first place? 

The thing is, while there are some ways in which I disappoint myself and know I should try harder, overall I'm happy with my life. Yeah, more money would be great. A vacation that does not consist of me just sitting at home in Schaumburg would also be a plus. But I'm happily married, have a wonderful and supportive family, and a few close friends who mean the world to me. I'm employed, going to school for something I really enjoy, and despite the chaos that two jobs, grad school, and life in general can bring I still find time for my books and my tv. 

Do I write as much as I should? Absolutely not. It's the one thing I feel the most guilty about. I sit here, wanting to consider myself a "writer" and yet never writing. That is the one thing I have vowed to myself to change this year. Thanks to some gifts from friends and my own frustration with myself, I WILL write a book this year. I already have people holding me accountable for that, and I doubt they will fail me. I'm done making excuses for myself in that arena, and so by 2014 I will have a novel. I might not want to let most people READ it, but I will have accomplished this. 

In terms of reflection for 2012, it's definitely brought change, and 2013 will bring more. Recently I've realized that there are some people in my life I just wish I saw more of. Or people that I'm so proud of and feel like I haven't gotten to express that to them. I often fear that the people who mean the most to me don't even know what they mean to me, because I don't talk to them often enough or because peripheral drama takes away from my being able to show them how much I care. So maybe I'll be more vocal about those things in 2013, regardless of the risk of being the token cheeseball in any gathering. 

So goodbye 2012, and welcome 2013 with all the changes, highs, and lows that it will bring. Here's to more writing, less excuses, and more love in the coming year. 

Free to Be You and Me

Okay, so I need to vent. And venting here will save my voice and my poor husband's hearing. I'm also not going to think about how I should be writing my final term paper for class instead of writing here. I can worry about that later....

So, I let things bother me that I probably shouldn't. I tend to take certain things very personally, even when they're most likely not about me, have nothing to do with me, and would be there whether I existed in the world or not. And yet....I let them get to me. Facebook obviously is a huge culprit of this. A lot of people "share" a lot of things they shouldn't, whether it be information that's too personal to be online, or an oversharing of information that most people just don't want to hear. I try not to be that person. I go on facebook. I update my status, and comment on people's stuff. But I try not to be too obnoxious. Did I post or share things during election season that probably indicated where my political affiliations and loyalties lay? Yes, probably. Did I try to do this sparingly and without trying to be pushy? I sure as hell hope so.

My problem is, not everyone does that. There are some people in my newsfeed that are SO opinionated and post SO often that it's overwhelming. There are people in my every day life that are like this as well, so I'm sure this behavior extends to life in general. I just don't like being inundated with things telling me that if I don't believe the way this person does, then I'm wrong, or if I don't partake in the same behavior that that person does, I must be a bad person. I'm sorry, but just because I agree with you doesn't mean I am wrong or a bad person. And I don't appreciate the implication that it does.

We all make our own life choices. We're free to do so. Everyone decides how they are going to live their own life. What job they're going to have, who they're going to marry, if they're going to have children, how they are going to raise those children, etc., etc. Not everyone has the same values or makes the same choices. Nor should they. Variety is the spice of life, right? I'm not saying people should be free to go around and hurt other people or take crazy drugs and then harm themselves or others. But when it comes to those major life decisions, no one should try to tell me how to make those, or that I'm wrong for making the choices that I do.

I guess what it comes down to is that I've always had a hard time with overbearing people. There is nothing in the world I can stand less than a religious zealot, for example. The kind that believe their way is the ONLY way and everyone else is going to hell. That push and push and push, and don't care if you want to hear it or not because THEY ARE RIGHT DAMN IT. And if you don't agree with them, well, sorry, you're wrong. I know not all religious people are this way, but it's these overbearing ones that give them all a bad name. I've noticed lately that this extremism that bothers me so much with religion can easily be extended to other behavior too, and other choices that people make about their lives.

What's interesting is that, in the particular situation I am thinking of, I have two friends who pretty much went through the same experience and believe the same things. One of them is very vocal about it, stating their case every chance they get, telling others what they really should do. Another advertises her way of thinking far less. It's the way she chooses to live her life, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the way others choose to live theirs. And I respect that, because that's how I try to live.

We are all going to make different choices throughout our lives. We'll make mistakes, we'll (hopefully) learn from them, and move forward making new choices and new mistakes. I know the way I choose to live my life is not the way others choose to live theirs. The choices I make are not the same choices my best friends make. And while I would always be there to provide advice or my opinion if it was asked for, I would never presume to tell them how to live their lives. Nor would I want them to try and tell me how I should live mine. Can't we all give each other that same respect? Respect that the choices I make might not be the choices you make. Likewise, I will respect the choices you make even if I wouldn't make the same ones. But that doesn't make either of our views wrong, it just makes them different. And really, that should be okay. Variety. Spice of life.

And with that...rant over and back to (maybe) knocking some more of this paper out *sigh*