"If this is where we ended up then I refuse to be so hard on myself this time"

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. I have been in a relationship with the same person for just over 3 years now. We've been through a hell of a lot together and it hasn't always been easy, but we're happy. Things are comfortable, and we're comfortable with each other and overall life is good. I really can't complain.

I've never dated much. I can count on less than one hand the number of serious boyfriends I have had over the years. But at the same time, I think I am rare in that, after the relationship has ended, I have kept friendships with my exes. That didn't happen right away, of course. There's always that awkward, post-breakup situation, where you don't know what to say to each other and realize there really isn't anything that you can or should say anyway. But after time passed, I was able to stay good friends with them. Now, time has passed, and the men that were important in my life are in serious relationships with other people, just like I am. And even though my relationships with those men are in the past, I can't keep myself from wondering "What would my life be like if I stayed with him instead."

Don't get me wrong...I am completely happy in the relationship that I am in. I just can't help but wonder how my life would be different if I had taken a different path. Thinking about it, if certain things had happened just a little bit differently, or at slightly different times in my life I might have taken completely different turns. If I hadn't been dating one person at one point, there is a very good chance I would have started dating someone else. If I hadn't met Patrick when I did, would I have pursued someone else instead? Ended up with an ex? Been single for a longer while and then found someone completely different?

I look at pictures of my exes with their new girlfriends and wonder what their lives are like. I hope they're happy together, that the girls treat the guys they way they deserve to be treated. And I know this is probably a very rare thought process for anyone to have about an ex. I know my boyfriend has completely cut off contact with all his exes--it would be unheard of for him to keep in touch with them. So maybe I am crazy--and it's not like I talk to them all the time or anything like that--but it just seems better to have those people still in my life than to cut them out of it. After all, they knew me at different times. They knew different parts of me, and saw me at different points of my life and they'll always be important because of that.

I realize this post is most likely all over the place. I should really write something more meaningful and coherent. I promise one of these days that will happen...I just felt like I needed to put some of my thoughts into print :)

Writing to Reach You

Writing is easy. It's typing some words on a computer, or writing them down in a notebook. Thinking of something worthy of writing about is a MUCH harder task.

I think I'm a decent writer. I've always liked to write. I remember sitting at home during the holidays one winter when I was little, writing story after story after story. I'm sure going back and reading those stories now would just embarrass me--I know one involved a talking Turkey that didn't want to be eaten for Thanksgiving. But the point is, the child me seemed to have endless ideas to write about. Whether they were worthy of writing about is irrelevant...the ideas were there, and I wrote. And I was proud of anything that I finished, running to my parents to read the latest and greatest short story.

Now, writing seems much harder. Thanks to Patrick's sister starting an online magazine recently, I've started writing and editing again. Which was great, because after graduating and then going on to do NOTHING with my major for the time being, it felt incredible to have a reason to write again. I had an excuse to put my fingers to the keys and type away, even if it was something as simple as a movie or book review.

Writing for the magazine stirred the desire to write that was inside of me again. I found myself wanting to write, and I even had a few decent ideas. I started blogging a little bit on MySpace, which I was usually too afraid to do. I even had a couple flashes of inspiration that ended up becoming short stories. I started to feel good about my writing again, thinking maybe I could actually do something with it. And then self-doubt began to set in. I've considered writing a novel a few times, but I hit a road block every time. I just don't know if I have any ideas that are good enough, or that I can expand upon enough to actually write an entire novel about. The one idea I did have I began to doubt the more and more I think about it.

I was rearranging the books on my bookshelf today, and as I looked at the titles of all the books I've read and loved I thought about how much writing can mean to someone. The books I've read have all touched me in some way, changing the way I view the world or myself. I think part of what is discouraging is that I don't know if I can write something that feels as meaningful or important as some of the things I've read. I'm a perfectionist--I want what I write to be really good and worth reading. And if I don't think it will be, I don't bother. That's probably the first hurdle I need to overcome. Just writing to write, and worrying about what comes out of it later.

I wish I could bring some aspects of school to my home life. I need someone telling me "You need to write 5 pages by Tuesday." I work great under pressure, and it seems like without someone forcing me to get things done I tend to put them off or not do them at all. A procrastinating attitude really doesn't get you far when there are no deadlines.

And with my rant full of self-doubt and desire for inspiration to strike, I will end this first post and go back to reading another author's great writing :)