“I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be. There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day but today.”

It is with a heavy heart that I begin today's post. A little less than a week ago, I received a voicemail from my friend Erin's dad, saying he had bad news about Erin. She had been sick for awhile--I had visited her in the hospital a couple of weeks before, and she had worsened since my visit--and I knew even before I called her dad back what the news was likely to be. I just didn't want to believe it. I called him back as soon as I got home, and even as he gave me the news that Erin had passed, I felt numb, though my heart broke for the rest of her family.

It wasn't until I hung up the phone, turning around to see the blanket she had crocheted for me years ago when Patrick and I had moved out on our own, that I started crying. That blanket summed Erin up so well. It was such a thoughtful gift, personalized just for me. It was blue, because she knew it was my favorite color, and I know she put hours of love and care into creating it just for us. That's who she was.

Erin had the biggest heart of anyone I know. She was always thinking of others, remembered every birthday and holiday, and was just an incredibly caring, loving person. She won people over everywhere she went. Even when I went to see her at the hospital recently, it was amazing how she had befriended every person who interacted with her at the hospital. She was always able to do that.

It's so unfair to me that she was stolen away from us so soon. She was so creative and smart, and I know she would have done amazing things. It breaks my heart that for all the struggles she went through--always downplaying her pain or the severity of her illness so her friends wouldn't worry too much--she was still taken from us so early. Before she could achieve all of the wonderful things I know she would have.

I've always felt undeserving of her friendship, especially as the years have gone by. My life has gotten busier, and I feel that I don't keep in touch with most of my friends as much as I'd like. I can't tell you how many times Erin and I swore to one another we'd make plans--to see a movie, to grab dinner, to just hang out--that never actually materialized. It always seemed like we'd have time. We'd get to those plans eventually. Now the hourglass has run out, and those plans will never materialize. I can't help but wish I'd been better about sticking to all those missed plans, the movie dates that almost were.

That's not to say we didn't still have great times together over the years. From her putting up with my Hanson obsession to me allowing myself to be dragged to the midnight showing of New Moon, we definitely had fun together over the years.

I remember sleepovers at her house, watching The Craft.

I remember her scaring me to death when we pulled out the Ouija board (Pictures of Hanson on each corner of the board, because they were Christian--the closest thing I had to crucifixes), having me convinced that someone just down her street was being murdered.

I remember watching Coyote Ugly for the first time at her house, while I tried (and failed) to catch her ever-elusive cat. She was, of course, amused as usual.

I remember our obsession with both Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, and her encouragement of my plan to bleach my hair blonde just like my idol Gwen. Luckily, I never did this, though Erin was probably disappointed.

I remember singing along to the Spice Girls in her backyard, soaking up the summer sun and the freedom that comes with being young and carefree.

I remember all of these things and so many more about Erin. She was such a good person, and I feel like I was a better person when I was around her. She was always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when I was determined to be a judgmental bitch. She could find the good in anyone, and was always willing to give whatever she could of herself to others.

It makes me so angry that I can't say these things to her. That I can't rehash the past with her, laughing over the silly things we've done, sharing our writing with one another, and just sharing life. I wish I had said these things to her when I had the chance, that I could have told her how much she meant to me, and how sorry I am that I probably wasn't always the friend that she deserved. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Since I can't share these things with her, though, I'm sharing them with you. Even if you didn't know Erin, now you at least know about her. Maybe you have someone in your life that you haven't talked to in awhile, that the craziness of life has prevented you from seeing as much as you'd like. Call them, text them, have lunch with them. Let them know you love them. Because one day it might be too late to say those things.

I know today is a day about celebration, and that this post is not exactly a pick-me-up. But, Erin's life deserved celebration. She was vibrant, and loving, and original, and every time I saw her she had a new hair color---she was a living firework, in the best kind of way. So I guess it seems fitting that I'm writing about her on the 4th of July. Tonight, I'll look up and think of her.

Love and miss you Erin, and I know if you were still around, yours would be the first response to this, because it always was.

"No Winter Lasts Forever; No Spring Skips Its Turn"

Friends and family who interact with me on a fairly regular basis will probably quickly tell you that, for the last few months, I've been a little stressed out. This semester has demanded more of my time than others, and my ability to balance school, time with family/friends/Patrick, work, and time to just breathe has seemed more difficult. Add winter to the mix, and it's just been a blah few months. However....

Today was one of those seemingly perfect days. I headed to work, the sun was shining, and it was Friday. Turned the radio on and "Some Nights" by fun. was just starting. Stopped at Starbucks before work, even the long line I had to wait in couldn't get me down, and my caramel macchiato was heaven. I learned about a traveling food cart that sells amazing grilled cheese and french fries, and got food there for lunch. Joked around with coworkers, enjoyed the sun, and the music gods continued to smile on me. I was that crazy girl singing to herself in her car, dancing along the music. All day. Nothing could get me down.

And, I guess, there is really no point to that other than to point out that sometimes it's really just the little things that can make all the difference. It's the sun shining, the right song on the radio, and a coffee in hand on a Friday morning. It didn't take much to make my day awesome, just like there are other days when it takes very little to make things take a turn for the worse. Even though, at the start of today, I knew that I had a busy weekend ahead of me, and the homework on my agenda won't do itself, it didn't matter. I was still able to enjoy a day that truly felt like the beginning of Spring, and kept a smile on my face.

It's so easy to embrace the negativity in life. I know, I do it pretty regularly. I let people bother me, can take offense to things fairly easily, and can definitely hold a grudge. And yet, on days like today, I realize how much better life can be in those moments where all of those negative things don't matter. They can be brushed aside in favor of indulging in a solo concert in your car, and a laugh with a coworker in a sunny office on a Friday afternoon.

Anyway, here's to the beginning of Spring, and hoping that all of you have those perfect moments where life just seems right, even when obligations are still snapping at your heels.

If You're Crazy and You Know It...

So, this picture has been floating around the interwebs this week...

and it couldn't have crossed my path at a more perfect time, as this sentiment is one that's been on my mind lately, though I think Amy Poehler puts it more eloquently. And, of course, I am no comedienne. And yet, I can relate. Here I am, facing the last year of my 20s, and I'm not even going to pretend I have it all figured out. I clearly do not. I'm muddling my way through school, trying to clean up financial messes from years ago (will they NEVER go away???), and not sure what my long-term career aspirations are. There are still a lot of things in my life that need some figuring out and fine-tuning. But I know this: I am okay being me, even if that means I look silly sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I'm not immune to what others think of me, and I definitely want them to think well of me. I want to be respected professionally, and I want friends and family to be proud of me, and able to depend on me. At the same time, though, the older I get, the more I've realized it's okay to embrace who I am and the things I love, even if others think it's embarrassing or childish.

I love music. All of it. From Hanson to Blake Shelton to Dawes to Britney Spears to Mumford and Sons to Mariah Carey to the Temptations to Bon Iver...and on, and on and. And I'm not ashamed of any of it. I will never be ashamed of my love of Hanson, no matter how much you make fun of me for it or how to shame me out of it.

I love singing out loud, and dancing along to my favorite songs. In the shower, in the car, at home as I serenade Patrick to "Some Nights" by Fun., it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I can't sing OR dance, I enjoy it. And you can't make me embarrassed by rolling your eyes as I make a fool of myself. In fact, that will just encourage me to make you join me. Yes, I will pretend I am Britney Spears as I dance along to Just Dance 3. But, you know, before she went crazy.

I love TV and movies, and think watching them is a worthy use of my free time. I love depressing movies. Blue Valentine? Loved it. Own it. Also, anything set in a mental asylum is right up my alley. I've always been drawn to the crazies I guess. I'm seriously starting to think Ryan Murphy just gets me.

I'm proud of my movie collection, despite the fact that it has surely contributed to aforementioned financial troubles. And despite having a better movie collection than cable, I still need cable. Yes, HBO and Shotime are THAT important. I mean, seriously, how can I possibly be expected to live without Game of Thrones or Californication? I can't. And I won't.

I fully embrace my celebrity obsessions, and remain loyal even after the intensity fades. And I do my homework. Need to know Topher Grace or Joseph Gordon-Levitt's back catalogues? Because I can inform you. And probably own most of them. We can have a Katy Perry dance party anytime.

I will never deny myself the pleasure of dessert. Life is too short to skip the cookie, and there are not much better things in life than a bakery tour that includes Sprinkles.

I am okay sitting at home on a Friday night. And a Saturday night. Wanting to stay at home doesn't make me antisocial. Or maybe it does. I'm still okay with it. There aren't many better ways to spend a night than cuddled up on the couch with my husband and my cat and a good movie on TV.

I love Young Adult literature. And that doesn't make me juvenile, or "less than," or dumb. I would be proud to be able to call myself a YA author one day. Anything that puts me in the same category as John Green and Maureen Johnson and Maggie Stiefvater and Sarah Dessen is absolutely okay in my book.

I am fiercely loyal to the ones I love, and if you hurt them, there's a good chance I will never forgive you. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have I love dearly and hold close to my heart. I don't always see them as often as I'd like, but I'd do anything for them.

I can hold a grudge, and it takes me a lot longer to forget than to forgive. Forgiving can take some time too. I have high expectations for both myself and others.

I can be a little OCD and more than a little germaphobic. I don't think it's weird to wash your hands before touching food, and I'm not entirely comfortable with communal food days. That's okay, more for you.

I love butterflies and giraffes. I don't know why, I just do. I have a giraffe hat, and giraffe Mickey Mouse ears (thanks Steph!), and I love wearing both. I don't care if you think I look silly. Looking silly and not caring gives me power, remember?

I might not know everything about where I want my life to go, or the ways in which I will change along the way. I don't know what the future holds, and I only have a vague notion of what I would like for it to hold. But I do know the above things about myself. And I'm okay with them. I'm not perfect, and you will never hear me claim to be. But I know who I am, and I embrace it, and I can only hope knowing these things about myself will help me get to the places I want to be.

Goodbye 2012

New Year's Eve. The time of year when everyone sits back and reflects on the year behind them and the year they have coming up. Each year comes with its own mix of good and bad, and many hope to start out fresh with new resolutions and vows to make the upcoming year somehow better than the last. 

I've never been good with New Year's resolutions. Which is why this year, I'm not going to bother making any. There are certainly things in my life that I hope to improve, but I know myself better than to think that somehow forming a list of these goals and stating them here, in my head, or out loud to another person is going to help me keep them. Change only comes when we want it to, and when we get to a point when we know it must come. Are there changes that I need to make in my life this year? Probably. And I'll be heading into the new year fresh, hoping to sort certain parts of my life that feel especially chaotic. But I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment this year by telling you the list of things I KNOW I will focus on this year. Because in all likelihood, I will not be as dedicated as I would hope to be. 

The other problem with new year's resolutions is that, at least for me, sometimes it means saying that I will change things that I really don't need to change. For instance, I'm a homebody at heart. I enjoy a night on the couch with a good book or a great TV show to just about any other option out there. And while this makes me feel at times like I should make more of an effort to DO things, I don't know that it's something I really need to change about myself. I still keep in touch with friends, go out to dinner, and leave my house quite often. In fact, if you talk to Patrick, he'd tell you I'm not home enough. So why should I resolve to change something I'm not really unhappy with in the first place? 

The thing is, while there are some ways in which I disappoint myself and know I should try harder, overall I'm happy with my life. Yeah, more money would be great. A vacation that does not consist of me just sitting at home in Schaumburg would also be a plus. But I'm happily married, have a wonderful and supportive family, and a few close friends who mean the world to me. I'm employed, going to school for something I really enjoy, and despite the chaos that two jobs, grad school, and life in general can bring I still find time for my books and my tv. 

Do I write as much as I should? Absolutely not. It's the one thing I feel the most guilty about. I sit here, wanting to consider myself a "writer" and yet never writing. That is the one thing I have vowed to myself to change this year. Thanks to some gifts from friends and my own frustration with myself, I WILL write a book this year. I already have people holding me accountable for that, and I doubt they will fail me. I'm done making excuses for myself in that arena, and so by 2014 I will have a novel. I might not want to let most people READ it, but I will have accomplished this. 

In terms of reflection for 2012, it's definitely brought change, and 2013 will bring more. Recently I've realized that there are some people in my life I just wish I saw more of. Or people that I'm so proud of and feel like I haven't gotten to express that to them. I often fear that the people who mean the most to me don't even know what they mean to me, because I don't talk to them often enough or because peripheral drama takes away from my being able to show them how much I care. So maybe I'll be more vocal about those things in 2013, regardless of the risk of being the token cheeseball in any gathering. 

So goodbye 2012, and welcome 2013 with all the changes, highs, and lows that it will bring. Here's to more writing, less excuses, and more love in the coming year. 

Free to Be You and Me

Okay, so I need to vent. And venting here will save my voice and my poor husband's hearing. I'm also not going to think about how I should be writing my final term paper for class instead of writing here. I can worry about that later....

So, I let things bother me that I probably shouldn't. I tend to take certain things very personally, even when they're most likely not about me, have nothing to do with me, and would be there whether I existed in the world or not. And yet....I let them get to me. Facebook obviously is a huge culprit of this. A lot of people "share" a lot of things they shouldn't, whether it be information that's too personal to be online, or an oversharing of information that most people just don't want to hear. I try not to be that person. I go on facebook. I update my status, and comment on people's stuff. But I try not to be too obnoxious. Did I post or share things during election season that probably indicated where my political affiliations and loyalties lay? Yes, probably. Did I try to do this sparingly and without trying to be pushy? I sure as hell hope so.

My problem is, not everyone does that. There are some people in my newsfeed that are SO opinionated and post SO often that it's overwhelming. There are people in my every day life that are like this as well, so I'm sure this behavior extends to life in general. I just don't like being inundated with things telling me that if I don't believe the way this person does, then I'm wrong, or if I don't partake in the same behavior that that person does, I must be a bad person. I'm sorry, but just because I agree with you doesn't mean I am wrong or a bad person. And I don't appreciate the implication that it does.

We all make our own life choices. We're free to do so. Everyone decides how they are going to live their own life. What job they're going to have, who they're going to marry, if they're going to have children, how they are going to raise those children, etc., etc. Not everyone has the same values or makes the same choices. Nor should they. Variety is the spice of life, right? I'm not saying people should be free to go around and hurt other people or take crazy drugs and then harm themselves or others. But when it comes to those major life decisions, no one should try to tell me how to make those, or that I'm wrong for making the choices that I do.

I guess what it comes down to is that I've always had a hard time with overbearing people. There is nothing in the world I can stand less than a religious zealot, for example. The kind that believe their way is the ONLY way and everyone else is going to hell. That push and push and push, and don't care if you want to hear it or not because THEY ARE RIGHT DAMN IT. And if you don't agree with them, well, sorry, you're wrong. I know not all religious people are this way, but it's these overbearing ones that give them all a bad name. I've noticed lately that this extremism that bothers me so much with religion can easily be extended to other behavior too, and other choices that people make about their lives.

What's interesting is that, in the particular situation I am thinking of, I have two friends who pretty much went through the same experience and believe the same things. One of them is very vocal about it, stating their case every chance they get, telling others what they really should do. Another advertises her way of thinking far less. It's the way she chooses to live her life, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the way others choose to live theirs. And I respect that, because that's how I try to live.

We are all going to make different choices throughout our lives. We'll make mistakes, we'll (hopefully) learn from them, and move forward making new choices and new mistakes. I know the way I choose to live my life is not the way others choose to live theirs. The choices I make are not the same choices my best friends make. And while I would always be there to provide advice or my opinion if it was asked for, I would never presume to tell them how to live their lives. Nor would I want them to try and tell me how I should live mine. Can't we all give each other that same respect? Respect that the choices I make might not be the choices you make. Likewise, I will respect the choices you make even if I wouldn't make the same ones. But that doesn't make either of our views wrong, it just makes them different. And really, that should be okay. Variety. Spice of life.

And with that...rant over and back to (maybe) knocking some more of this paper out *sigh*

Procrastinating + Rambling = THIS!

I've been absent for awhile, as usual. And while I really should be working on the homework assignment that is currently open on my computer, I decided to write instead. Especially since I've written NOTHING for weeks. I'm going to credit the writing bug with a dream that I had last night that I was determined to record upon waking, because I felt like it would make a GREAT story. Unfortunately, immediately upon waking I forgot all but the very basics of the dream, and the portion of the dream that I was so intent on documenting was the fuzziest part. Even my dreams are undermining my writing. Story of my life, I suppose.

I'm not really sure what I want to write about today. I have nothing in particular in mind, and life, aside from my upcoming weekend road trip to New York to see Joseph-Gordon Levitt, has been pretty stressful but uneventful to the average listener. The last month or so has been made up of a series of crap-tastic weeks during which I think each upcoming week HAS to be better than the last, and am proven wrong. Pretty much every time. News of friends moving, broken TVs, busy weekends, and a terrible work-life-social balance have added up to a lot of sucky.

At least this week, things have been on a bit of an upswing, complete with a commitment-free weekend, which feels oh-so-good, even if I am distracting myself from homework right now by updating this. No words can describe the feeling of laying in bed this morning, watching back-logged Glee episodes on my DVR and knowing there was nowhere I had to be. Granted, the feeling is only temporary, and before I know it Monday will be upon me once again, with everything that Monday brings. But for now I'm basking in the glory of two free days (even if homework has to make an appearance).

I think I'm going to end this now, as there really hasn't been much of a point to writing it, and the things that have been on my mind this week (like my conflicted feelings towards Taylor Swift---oh, how I both love and loath her at the same time!), are probably not share-worthy. I just felt like writing, and the weird part of my inspirational dream is very much NOT the part that was worth writing about.

On that note, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to grad school homework I go!

"So I just let go of what I know I don't know..." - A Jason Mraz Retrospective (of sorts)

I am going to start out today's post by saying right away that I am not entirely sure that what I hope to convey in writing today will actually come across the way I hope for it to. That's the thing about words sometimes. They can convey just about anything, but they require people to arrange them in a way that conveys them correctly. And when emotions get all involved in the putting down of words, sometimes the words just don't seem like enough.

Anyway, last night Patrick and I saw Jason Mraz. From the second row! It was pretty amazing, as I knew it would be. But my purpose here today isn't to write a concert review (although it would be a rave review, I assure you), it's more to convey what Jason Mraz is to me. I had a hard time even explaining this to Patrick last night, so again, I don't know how well I'll really get it to come across here, but I figured it was worth a shot anyway.

The first time I saw Jason Mraz was back in 2005 when he opened for Alanis Morrissette. He blew me away. I have never been so enthralled by an opening act, and I don't know that I can even describe how I felt during his acoustic opening act. Thus began my love affair with him. Since then, he's proven to be the soundtrack to Patrick's and my life together, as we started dating on the day I went to see him in Chicago and Patrick filled in at the last minute as my concert-going partner. I've seen him play on my birthday, Patrick proposed to me the day before we saw him play a couple of years ago (and had considered proposing at the concert), and his music was part of our wedding ceremony.

Anyone who knows me--and they don't even have to know me all that well--knows a couple things about me. 1.) Music is a HUGE part of my life, and 2.) I tend to get obsessive over things that I love, urging those I know to love those things with me. Jason Mraz ties well into both of those things, though I realized something last night. It started out gradually, and by the end of the night I was trying to put how I felt into words. It started when Jason sang "Lucky." We were seated in the second row of the arena, on the right side of the stage. During "Lucky" he came and sang directly in front of where Patrick and I were sitting. And I realized, while I was very excited about this, I was NOT freaking out. I took some pictures, a minute or so of video, and then put the phone away and enjoyed the performance. It was an amazing moment, but there was no urge to run on stage to him or hyperventilate (which my friend Erin can tell you has been my reaction in past concert experiences). I just loved his music and the show he was putting on. This felt like growth to me.

As the concert went on, he continued to blow me away as he has in the past with the great show he puts on and the message that he sends. And this is where things will start to get cheesy and I fear what I am trying to say will get lost in translation. I tend to think of myself as a fairly positive person. I think a defeatist attitude will get you nowhere, and if you want things to change in your life, you need to take charge of them. Complaining doesn't actually change anything, doing things does. Don't get me wrong, I can whine with the best of them and sometimes do a GREAT job of not taking my own advice. But overall, I like to think I'm more glass half full about life, and try to help others see the brighter side of a suck-tastic situation when I can.  That being said, one of the things I tend to have a hard time with is OVERLY positive people. Those who take the whole positivity message to the extreme, becoming one with nature, and harmonizing with the planet. That tends to be too much for me, and I roll my eyes and step away.

The thing is, Jason Mraz IS one of those overly positive people, with that hippy-ish, harmonic attitude that normally I would hate. And yet, with him I don't. There's something about him that is just so appealing, and that positive message somehow gets through to me in a way that doesn't make me want to roll my eyes. I mean, his songs are by and large very positive, even when they're sad. And he himself is a very upbeat person, finding the plus side and the peaceful solution in just about any situation. I told Patrick last night that, as cheesy as I know it sounds (and believe me, it does), I feel like the world is a better place for Jason Mraz being in it. Not just because of his music, but because of him as a person. There are not many celebrities I feel I can say that about, as much as the things they help create may make the world more enjoyable. Jason Mraz, though, really seems to care about spreading a message of peace and love, and leaving the world in a better place than it was when you found it. There's a moment during every show, I think, when he makes sure the crowd is totally involved, and even urges them to give a stranger a high five, dance like crazy, and just be free. And everyone listens. It's really an amazing thing to see, because at most concerts you have a bunch of people who do what the band tells them, while you have a large portion that are just like "there's no way in hell I'm doing that." But at a Jason Mraz concert, self-consciousness goes out the window, and everyone there just really has a good time for as long as the show lasts.

I left last night floating on a cloud of happiness that is rare for me. I feel that, the older (and more jaded?) I get, those moments of pure happiness and contentment get fewer and farther between. I don't get excited about things in the ways I used to when I was younger, and I miss losing that. But the longer the concert went on last night, the happier I felt, and that lasted with me the rest of the night (douchey teenage driver who cut me off in the parking lot aside). It still sticks with me today. And while this feeling is stronger after seeing him live and having his attitude rub off on me live and in person, it's how his music makes me feel in general. When I'm having the kind of day where EVERYTHING irritates me, the only thing that usually calms me back down and brings my blood pressure to an acceptable level is to put his music on. Before I know it, I'm calmer than I thought I could be and able to focus again.

The thing is, I don't know WHY his music has the effect on me that it does, out of all of the music I listen to. Like I said, I love music in general. I've been to a ton of concerts over the years and spent all the money I made in high school on music. And while I have other favorite bands, and my favorites have remained pretty consistent over the years, none of them has had the effect on me that his music has. As cheesy as I know that it sounds, and as this whole post as been, there's a magic to what he does that I don't know can be explained. One day maybe I'll get to thank him for that magic. But for now, I'll share that feeling with you and continuing being awed by it.